It’s your blank and nobody else’s

The day of my wedding, a close friend of mine gave me the best marriage advice.

Just remember, it’s your relationship and nobody else’s.

His words still echo in my ears today. Not only in regards to my wife, but many other aspects of my life.

In fact, the word relationship in his advice could be substituted for any other meaningful endeavor, from career to spirituality to fitness to mental health.

It’s your blank and nobody else’s.

You’re an adult. Do what you want, in your own way, according to your own standards.

There’s no need to live with people’s biases. If everybody keeps recommending that you do a certain thing, but all the blood drains from your face at the mere thought of doing it, then you don’t have to do it. Nor do you have to waste a single moment justifying to the world why you’re not doing it.

Look, much of life includes doing things we don’t want to do, but not all of life. There’s no reason to sacrifice huge chunks of our attention, effort and time over trivial matters.

Just imagine the portion of our lives we would save by doing setting boundaries like that. We would free up enough discretionary time to compose a musical and go back to graduate school, all in the same year.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with people’s incessant recommendations about how you should live your life or run your business, it’s time to build stronger filters. One tool is to create your own list of dirty words.

Not trigger warnings, per se, but particular pieces of everyday language that might be emblematic of unwise thinking.

Here are my greatest hits.

Deserve, fair, expect, demand, must, earn, insist, right, just, owe, have to, and entitled to.

Anytime other people say these words, or especially when I catch myself using them in my inner monologue, it’s a bell of awareness. A gentle reminder that potentially unhelpful or unhealthy ground may lie ahead.

Like when I start whining about how I deserve to earn more money for my creative work because I have earned the right.

Or when somebody tells me how I have to promote my software product by using sleazy and labor intensive marketing tactics because that’s just the way the world works now.

Neither of these moments make it past my filter. Because buying into either of those assumptions causes me suffering.

Remember, it’s your blank and nobody else’s.

You’re an adult. Do what you want, in your own way, according to your own needs, desires and standards.

Whose advice have you recently outgrown?