What key could you create to unlock this door?

We have everything a person needs to be happy.

And yet, depression still finds a way to sneak in through the side door and remind us of the essential hopelessness of existence.

What the hell? How are we supposed to heal from this existential nightmare called life?

After all, covering up our feelings of severe despondency by just pretending like everything is fine isn’t working anymore. We need innovative solutions that stop us from sitting around all day, brooding over the cold and vast nothingness of the universe.

Thankfully, having trudged through my own share of mental health challenges in the past several years, I have invented a variety of new products and services that will revolutionize the way our society understands and treats the noonday demon depression.

Let’s start with the problem of pharmaceuticals. Because while they are effective for raising our neurological floor, they are not sole path to healing mental illness. Meds are just a helpful start towards relief. What people need is to pair drugs with something stronger.

Desparity is my new group exercise program for sufferers of depression who want to purge their pain through sweat. Our program incentivizes you with financial compensation, discounts and other rewards that will motivate you to get out of bed, rejoin the world of other people and treat yourself. Desparity helps you sweat out the sad and stay fit at the same time. Classes starting at a warehouse near you!

Okay, for my next invention, let’s talk about one particular variant of depression, seasonal affective disorder.

This condition affects more than three million people nationwide, causing fatigue, depression and social withdrawal. But sometimes all people need is a change of scenery.

Gloomswap is my revolutionary home exchange program where rich assholes with empty vacation homes in tropical locations offer their garages to the depressed and lonely during fall and winter. Now instead of actually working on their problems, people can simply run away from them, in style. Gloomswap says to all depressed people, hey, why lodge the bullet when you can dodge it? Talk about using your head.

Finally, let’s explore the collateral damage of mental illness.

Like smelly apartments. These human pigsties gross out neighbors, landlords and guests. But how can you expect someone to clean the house when they’re too busy capitulating to the cosmic farce of humanity?

Unclutterance is the answer. This is my combination housekeeping therapy service that sends mental health professionals to help depressed people with household chores that they’re too emotionally incapacitated to do themselves. Clean out the gutters of your mind, and your home, at the same time. Maybe even with the same brush. Unclutterance helps you wean your heart, and clean your home.

Now, if you laughed at least once while reading this list of ridiculous ideas, then there is still hope for you. Even if your depression has been whispering to you more than usual lately, it’s not too late to rethink your existential crisis.

My goal here was not to solve your depression, but to show you that writing this very list of wacky product ideas has made me feel joyful and satisfied, which helps solve my depression.

My goal was not to fix you, but knowing that you’re reading this makes me feel of useful service to at least one other person in the world, and that helps me avoid staring into the cold void of nothingness.

Pharrell, the legendary rapper, songwriter, fashion designer and entrepreneur, said it best.

Every door has a key, and if you can’t find it, make one.

How could you invent your way out of this existential predicament?