I can’t make things with my mood, emotions or circumstance

MEANING MAKING MISSION -- An existential blueprint for noticing, naming, taming and reframing negative moods into positive fulfillment

At the tail end of my career as an entrepreneur, business was slow. Very slow. Any gig that came my way was a welcome reprieve from the anguish of sitting alone in my pajamas all day, trying to drum up new clients. The whole thing felt futile and pathetic. A low point that stands out happened while driving down the highway on a beautiful, crisp, clear day in big sky country. It suddenly occurred to me that I was crushingly sad and lonely. Maybe sadder and lonelier than I had ever been in my life. The despair was so heavy and penetrating in that moment, that the idea of suicide actually crossed my mind for the first time ever. Not ending my life in reality, just the idea of suicide conceptually. My mind went to the place of, oh wow, there are millions of people around the world who feel just as sad, if not sadder than I feel right now, and lots of those people will decide to kill themselves. Because in their minds, that solution makes complete sense. The pain of living is too intolerable for them to endure, so they’re going to end it all. Being a witness to this dark thought flooded my body with numerous feelings and emotions. Fear, compassion gratitude, relief, confusion, sweat, stomach cramps, to name a few. But although my sadness and loneliness didn’t suddenly lift, entertaining that dark thought shifted something inside of me. There was no doubt in my mind that, despite my depression, killing myself was not a consideration. There may have been a consideration of the consideration, but that’s about as far as it got. Something inside of me just said, listen, there is a tomorrow that will turn this all around. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.