The food, water and shelter of our minds

What do humans need in order to thrive?

This is not the question.

Although all human beings are driven by a unique set of motivations, and our behavior cannot be reliably predicted based on a single model, it’s safe to say that most of us need the same few things.

From a psychological standpoint, there are only so many boxes we need to check in any given moment.

I read the most widely cited study on motivation in human behavior, and psychologists showed how people thrive and have their highest quality motivation when their three primary psychological needs are met.

There’s relatedness, a meaningful connection to others; autonomy which is the power to make one’s own choices; and competence, which is the sense of being capable and effective.

My recommendation is, we should treat those three needs as the food, water and shelter of our minds.

Doing so helps emphasize their fundamental importance for human wellbeing and fulfillment.

Just as eating, drinking and lodging are essential for our physically survival, these psychological needs are crucial our mental and emotional thriving. They’re what nourish and hydrate and protect us, giving us the sustenance and stability we need to not go completely nuts and hurl ourselves off a rooftop.

How much awareness do you have of your own needs? And to what extent are they being met in this moment?

If you struggle to answer such questions, below are several recommendations for securing the food, water and shelter you need.

First, identify when you’re feeling pressured.

While it’s true that pressure is primarily a choice, each of us has our own relative aversion to being controlled. And it’s important to know what that feels like in our body and mind.

As an example, when I am being micromanaged by someone, I will notice my energy level plummeting. Sometimes all of the blood drains from my face too. Those sensations are quite acute, and they often assault my sense of competence and autonomy, making me feel resentful and untrusted to the micromanager.

Another example is if I’m driving on the highway, and the car behind me rides my bumper. When I was younger, this would intimidate and enrage me. Because whatever the opposite of a speed demon is, that’s me. I have always felt anxious when people pressure me to abandon my pace. I am not going to feel rushed just because I feel pressured to act. It’s important to me to make choices about my own tempo and speed.

Can you identify when you’re feeling pressured? How do you respond to power dynamics and situational gravity?

Remember, autonomy is about noticing when you’re not feeling free to be yourself. Recognizing when you don’t have the independence you need in relationships.

Second, be aware of what you need to do to feel accomplished.

Each of us should have primary, secondary and tertiary ways in which we make ourselves proud. Now, this first assumes that we don’t buy into the story that pride is a sin and guilt is a virtue. If you’re someone who can’t get over that biblical hump and enjoy their own achievements without anxiety or shame, I can’t help you.

This psychological need will be very difficult to fulfill.

Personally, I feel proud when I do things like create and share art, perform acts of service for others, solve useful problems at work, support my friends and family members, and take care of my health. To name a few.

And while my sense of accomplishment varies between each of these tasks, what matters is how they feel in the aggregate. Because at the end of each day when I review my victory log, which is a literal document on my desk, I generate feelings of confidence, connection, competence and capability for myself.

Hell, even if I had to lower my standards so winning became a matter of course, it still checks those psychological boxes in the right way. Nobody can take that sense of satisfaction away from me.

Food? Check. Water? Check. Shelter? Check.

Our third item on the needs checklist is, know what you need to do to feel better when you’re sick.

This is a big one, since the degree to which most people abscond taking personal responsibility for their health is truly embarrassing and sad.

I read a recent study from the prostate cancer foundation that showed over forty percent of adult males say fear and dread of discomfort are the main reasons they do not to get screened for prostate cancer.

Look, everyone gets sick. Everyone. The gown comes for us all. And whether it’s physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, we must be responsible adults and take proactive actions to meet our psychological needs.

Unless we shift the responsibility from external factors to our own agency, happiness and wellbeing will continue to elude us.

Tactic number three for securing the food, water and shelter of the mind is, memorize which activities make you feel content.

Schools don’t teach this. Kids are instructed how to follow rules and sit in rows and walk in a straight line, but they’re not taught how to pull their triggers for joy. The education system has traditionally focused on academic subjects like math, science, and language.

All of which are important foundational skills, but not any less valuable than learning to differentiate between what ignites your soul, and what makes you want to fun headfirst into a wall repeatedly.

Kids need to learn how to prioritize activities and relationships that uniquely nourish their mind, and avoid the ones that make them want to dive headfirst into a wood chipper. The sooner we understand what brings us contentment, and the more we’re encouraged to pursue those things, the more friends we make, the more empowered we feel, and the more effective we become.

I remember the one year anniversary of wearing a nametag every day. I just started my senior year of college, and reflecting on my first twelve months, I realized something.

Oh damn, the reason this social experiment changed my life for the better is because it became a conduit for meeting my psychological needs. The nametag didn’t do all the work for me, but it did spark the social flame, from which many of my interpersonal and intrapersonal fire grew.

It didn’t provide me with the food, water and shelter I craved, but it did open up a new conduit to them. Relatedness, autonomy and competence were suddenly within reach in ways that felt dramatically different than before I started wearing a nametag.

And mostly because of a shift in my mindset. That’s how intention works. You put it out in world, and people offer to meet your needs, because the world loves clarity. Those clear on what they want attract resources.

Remember, people thrive and have their highest quality motivation when three primary psychological needs are met. Relatedness, the meaningful connection to others; autonomy the power to make one’s own choices; and competence, the sense of being capable and effective. T

This triad represents the food, water and shelter we require to achieve fulfillment.

If we optimize our lives around those needs, we substantially increase our odds of success. Even if we don’t win, at least we know who we are along the way.

How clear are you about what nourishes, hydrates and protects you?That’s more than you can say about most people. How clear are you about what nourishes, hydrates and protects you?